Edward II in 15 Minutes

[neadods]

Because it won't get out of my head, I present Edward II in 15 Minutes:

EDWARD II: I can't wait to see Gaveston again! So I'm going to go into a long monologue about how much I adore him, which is really going to present a problem to any director trying to portray us as manly manly straight drinking buddies.

GAVESTON: Warm up the massage oil, honey, I'm home!

EDWARD II: Wheeee!

ASSORTED BARONS: Oh, fuck.

EDWARD AND GAVESTON: What a great idea! Pardon us while we do.

ASSORTED BARONS: We are SO not going to sit still while you give all the political power to your boy toy.

EDWARD II: You SO are 'cause I'm king. (Calling offstage, to Gaveston: Who's your kingy? Hmmm? Who's your Kingy?)

BARON MORTIMER JR: There is not enough "ew" in my vocabulary.

BARON MORTIMER SR: Oh get off it, history has more fairies in it than the books of Grimm and Anderson put together. It's not a question of who's playing "hide the orb and scepter" as how craptastic it is for the whole kingdom to have the king giving all the political power to his squeeze du jour.

BARON MORTIMER JR: You're really not making me feel better. How about I lead an armed revolt? Put the king "straight" about Gaveston?

BARON MORTIMER SR: Nothing says "straight manly man" like shoving a 36-inch edged phallic symbol into another guy. *rolls eyes*

Mortimer Jr. leads battle, successfully capturing Gaveston

MORTIMER JR: Rumor has it you like it when guys give you head. So, here. *hands over Gaveston's head.*

EDWARD II: YOU BASTARD!!! I'm going to have your ass for this and not in a way you'll enjoy!

MORTIMER JR: That gives me an idea for later.

ISABELLA: Hey, planning on giving me a little attention now that you're more or less single again? Remember me? Your wife?

EDWARD II: You still here? Go play with the baby.

ISABELLA: The baby's 14.

EDWARD II: Whatever. Hey, it's two for the price of one! That'll show the Barons! *calls over two new companions.*

ISABELLA: Manly manly straight drinking buddies my tush. Hey, honey, how about I go visit my brother, the King of France? And take the not-baby with me? Just a little family business?

EDWARD II: Whatever.

MORTIMER JR: Allons enfant du la patrie, Le jour de gloire est arrive...

EDWARD III: Mommy, what are we doing in France?

ISABELLA: Your daddy is fucking the kingdom. Somewhat literally. Mr. Mortimer and I are making sure that it's going to be all straightened out for you. Also literally.

EDWARD III: You and Mortimer are making something, that's for sure. But what about daddy? You know - the RIGHTFUL KING OF ENGLAND?

MORTIMER JR: Cute kid. Remind me to smack him into compliance when we've taken the throne back.

Meanwhile, back at the Kingdom

EDWARD II: Hey, I've been fighting some pretty great battles here!

BARONS: Yeah, but the point is to actually win. Which you haven't done. *capture him*

EDWARD II: (somewhat later) How long are y'all gonna torture me?

BARONS: Until it stops being fun. (To the assassin) Make sure there are no marks on the body.

ASSASSIN: Hey, Eddie, rumor has it you like to take it up the ass...

BARON: (to corpse of assassin) I forgot to mention that the retirement plan for this job sucked, didn't I?

ISABELLA, to EDWARD III: Look sweetie, Mama's got a fantastic new toy for you. Look - a throne of your very own!

EDWARD III: Isn't that Daddy's throne? You know? The RIGHTFUL KING OF ENGLAND? Where's he?

ISABELLA: Well, daddy wasn't a very good king, so we took him out in the country where he could run and play with all the other kings... or, in his case, queens...

EDWARD III: So I'm king. And I get to sit on the throne and make all the decisions and everything all by myself.

MORTIMER JR: (To Edward) Of *course* you do! (to Isabella) Cute kid ya got here.

EDWARD III: You two are SO fucked! Guards!! Guards!!! Arrest them both!

ISABELLA: Is this the thanks I get? Ungrateful child!

MORTIMER JR: Ooops. Dang. Well, y'know what? Death is just another country to discover!

BILL SHAKESPEARE, IN AUDIENCE: Hey, that's good! (scribbling on cuff) ...n-d-i-s-c-o-v-e-r-e-d... c-o-u...

And the lights go down

Comments

[lizbetann]

<----- is ded from the laughing

[neadods.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Y'know, I never stop loving that sick, sick icon of yours...

[stratfordbabe.livejournal.com]

Very well done. You forgot the football through the goalposts, but other than that, it's pretty much my memory of Edward II.

[neadods.livejournal.com]

There's no way I could top Merle's "Bend it like Blendick." :>

[jennetj.livejournal.com]

OK, should not have read this at work--especially not after having just consumed very rich chocolate cake (September is birthday month at CST). This is hysterical. And absolutely spot-on.

[museclio]

I'm teaching this in history right now. Must resist desire to show to class...

[neadods.livejournal.com]

:-D How old are your students?

[beledibabe.livejournal.com]

::howling:: OMG, this is *fabulous*! (In all senses of the word!)

BTW, did you ever see the wonderful BBC production with Ian McKellan as Eddie baby? Whoa.

[neadods.livejournal.com]

The only version I ever saw was the one at Stratford, which this pretty much is. Only I took out the orgy.

[beledibabe.livejournal.com]

Only I took out the orgy.

That is *such* a sad sentence.

::sniff::

Seriously, if you do get a chance to see the Ian McK version, go for it! No orgies (::sigh::), minimalist staging, but very, very well done. Timothy West played Mortimer, and damn, that man's voice can chill the marrow in your bones.

[neadods.livejournal.com]

Rather a nice orgy at that - lots of buff men wearing nothing but tight pleather pants.

I'll check Netflix to see if they've got it. They've become my go-to place for the obscure.

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

That's hysterical! I read most of it to Russ, and he thought so too.

[pinkribbonwench.livejournal.com]

::squee:: I love it!

[wiliqueen.livejournal.com]

BARON MORTIMER SR: Nothing says "straight manly man" like shoving a 36-inch edged phallic symbol into another guy. *rolls eyes*

:: dies and iz ded ::

:: rises from the ded to LMAO at the rest of it ::

Many thanks for my Afternoon Therapeutic Funneh Break of the day. :-D

[neadods.livejournal.com]

I wondered if anyone was going to mention that line in particular. It's one of the ones I'm proudest of. :>

[wiliqueen.livejournal.com]

And rightfully so! *snerk*

Author, author!

[fiona64.livejournal.com]

Somehow I think even the divine Kit Marlowe would be pleased. :-) Very entertaining.

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

In two words?
BRILL
IANT

May I linkto this in my lj?

[neadods.livejournal.com]

I'd be flattered!

[malnpudl.livejournal.com]

Here via Shay's rec, and I'm having trouble typing because I'm giggling so hard. Brilliant!

Too funny

[signeh.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I needed that.

[triestine.livejournal.com]

Spot on.

[renaissanced.livejournal.com]

Okay, so I came here whilst trying to find more research on EdII for my paper, and all I can say is man, do I love Google even more now. This is so humorous and absolutely accurate. Don't mind the random comment, you just made my night!

[neadods.livejournal.com]

It always freaks me a bit when people find me on Google - but I'm glad you enjoyed it, because it was such fun to write!