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Dad Update
Dad's surgery is scheduled for December 8. It can take up to 6 hours, and he will be in the hospital for at least 7 days. Expect my LJ/email updates to get very spotty.
In the same phone call, Mother told me that Christmas was cancelled. She didn't use those words, but the effect was the same, and who can blame her? She's stressing over her husband, money is tight, and she doesn't need the time, hassle, or enforced jolliness laid on top of that. We're all going to come home, but there won't be a tree or decorations or presents or a feast; we're all just going to be happy Dad's there.
And I WILL be happy Dad's there with us, but I've been crying like a 3-year-old ever since.
Damnit, I feel screwed. I didn't get a birthday party because my father had just been diagnosed and my friends were scattered, and my parents wanted me home so the "celebration" was a strained affair in a cold house with a stale cupcake. I passed my last qualification at work - a difficult one that took months to complete, that some people fail, and which sets me up for life career-wise... and thanks to a reorganization and work policy, I don't get the raise for it until spring. I don't even know WHAT the raise is until spring. And now, no Christmas. Worse, a Christmas that will be a repeat of the cheerless birthday.
Dammnit! I usually throw myself into the season with a fervor that would make Dickens go "Whoa, take a prozac!" and while I am feeling equally stressed about Dad and about getting my resolutions list done and a thousand other little things, I figured the season would be delayed, but not denied. Damnit, that's when things were supposed to be OVER! Dad would be mending, the stress would be gone, time to, as they put it in Wicked, celebrate and rejoicify.
And even while I know I'm being selfish, damnit, that I should be thinking of my Dad and not me, and I DO love him, but - out of birthday, Christmas, and raise, can't I have just one? I haven't done anything wrong - hell, I've done a great deal right, this is the most organized year I think I've had in my life - and I feel like I'm being punished.
This sucks and I need more kleenax, damnit.
In the same phone call, Mother told me that Christmas was cancelled. She didn't use those words, but the effect was the same, and who can blame her? She's stressing over her husband, money is tight, and she doesn't need the time, hassle, or enforced jolliness laid on top of that. We're all going to come home, but there won't be a tree or decorations or presents or a feast; we're all just going to be happy Dad's there.
And I WILL be happy Dad's there with us, but I've been crying like a 3-year-old ever since.
Damnit, I feel screwed. I didn't get a birthday party because my father had just been diagnosed and my friends were scattered, and my parents wanted me home so the "celebration" was a strained affair in a cold house with a stale cupcake. I passed my last qualification at work - a difficult one that took months to complete, that some people fail, and which sets me up for life career-wise... and thanks to a reorganization and work policy, I don't get the raise for it until spring. I don't even know WHAT the raise is until spring. And now, no Christmas. Worse, a Christmas that will be a repeat of the cheerless birthday.
Dammnit! I usually throw myself into the season with a fervor that would make Dickens go "Whoa, take a prozac!" and while I am feeling equally stressed about Dad and about getting my resolutions list done and a thousand other little things, I figured the season would be delayed, but not denied. Damnit, that's when things were supposed to be OVER! Dad would be mending, the stress would be gone, time to, as they put it in Wicked, celebrate and rejoicify.
And even while I know I'm being selfish, damnit, that I should be thinking of my Dad and not me, and I DO love him, but - out of birthday, Christmas, and raise, can't I have just one? I haven't done anything wrong - hell, I've done a great deal right, this is the most organized year I think I've had in my life - and I feel like I'm being punished.
This sucks and I need more kleenax, damnit.
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I got a lot planned following Thanksgiving, but I'm still going to decorate and bake (and clean... it's "get ready for New Year's Day Party" season) But I guarantee that even with my kids fleeing the nest, I'll be creating solstice cheer.
We'll talk about a good date: I'll put on the Xmas cds, and you can come out and help me put up the tree or string the lights and greens on the house and bake cookies and stuff. Offer open to anyone who wants to join us.
oh, and I forgot:
http://users.inetcentral.com/erickagan/standing.html
Re: oh, and I forgot:
Re: oh, and I forgot:
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I don't think it's wrong of you to think of what you want as well as be happy that your Dad's going to be there. Human beings are complex, we can think two things at the same time. ;)
Is there any way you can work around this? I don't know how your life is set up, so I don't know if it's feasible or fun for you to take on more work, but one thing you could do is offer to take charge of doing, or getting other people (siblings or family friends) to do, all the Christmas decorations, cooking, etc. & make it happen at your parents' house so that you get your party & your mom doesn't have to do extra work.
Or can you have a Christmas season party of your own with friends & people who can make it?
In any case, hope you feel better about it soon.
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The situation just got wierder, but that's going to be another post.
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Who knows, talk to your mom. It might make her feel really nurtured to have someone say, not only do you not have to organize all this stuff, but I will organize the supporting details of family togetherness time & bring them to you so that you can have them this year.
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You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, dear.
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Thanks, that means a lot. I may try to bring Christmas to the house...
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Speaking as someone who had an entire childhood just chock-full of holidays and birthdays being cancelled due to another person's illness/health crises...you're not being selfish. You're being human and you have a right to feel what you feel.
I think the suggestions for alternate ways of celebrating are good ones, too. It does help to do *something*--even if it's not what you normally do or what you love doing the most about the season.
And hey, congratulations on passing the last qualification! IIRC, that's a BIG one. Go you!
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If you want to have a holiday, dammit, I think you're entitled to be the one who provides it. Doesn't have to be deck the halls, but if you have things to be happy for, you can rejoice in them while feeling what else you have to feel.
And given all that you've got on your plate, crying is probably the sanest thing you can do to ease the stress. If your emotions weren't chasing each other in circles, you'd probably have an ulcer.
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That does rather sum it up!
The compromise, subject to change, is that Mother is doing most of the decorating, there will be no tree (that's Dad's job, and he is Otherwise Occupied), and I'm doing all the cooking. Mother is willing to do all the shopping if I give her a list, but I think I'm also going to be making things ahead of time, to keep me busy instead of worrying and to give me more free time up there.