More Phantom Snark

There's an m15m community for "Movies in 15 Minutes."

They've just done Phantom. "The Phantom has swapped Carlotta's throat spray with something ass-nasty. Let's see if she notices."

Book Bitchery

I just finished another review book, and have to unburden a few general observations about writing...

If I could wave a wand and remove one thing from all of adventure lit/movies, it would be the tired and lame threat "...and don't call the police or Bad Things Will Happen." Unless it was promptly followed by the protagonist calling the police. On the other hand, protagonists who don't notify the police when they are already talking to the cops for other reasons should be promptly taken out of their plot and shot for being too stupid to live. (Yes, I'm talking to you, Jodie Foster in "The Panic Room.")

Also, people? Contracts signed under duress don't hold up in court. Instead, they provide a bigass legal pointer right at the person who is about to be sued out of existance. So stop it with the "you'll sign if you know what's good for you" crap. You can't all be the Mafia.

While I'm being pissy, I'd like to point out that having no extraneous characters in your book also means that there will be no red herrings and thus much less suspense. Making it blatently clear from the start who is the bad guy and the good guy and the expendable guy takes away even more suspense. I'm just sayin'.

And to sum up, we the readers are NOT, NOT, NOT going to be sympathetic and supportive of characters just because you tell us to be. They have to earn our giving a rat's ass about their fates. Selfcentered bitchery is not quirky and cute (please take note, every-character-Meg-Ryan-has-ever-played). Screwing anything that moves isn't sexy. (Anita, you're a whore. It's not attractive.) Stupid is stupid and does not make me break out in a rash of concerned protectiveness. When it comes to fictional characters, I am a loud proud social Darwinist. And finally, if after half a chapter of discussing legal ethics your main characters decide to rip a little old lady off, do not expect me to do anything else than stand up and cheer when her nephew sics a rabid lawyer on you, no matter how you write the scene to make him look like the bastard and them look abused. Having the little old lady not care is not an excuse either.

Okay, I feel better now. Knowing that I have read all of these in the last four books and will read them again is depressing, but at least that's off my chest.