neadods | Book recommendation

There's more than a little irony of a childfree person liking this book, but Jeff Vogel's The Poo Bomb, adapted from his website "The Story About the Baby" is one of the most twisted, hilarious, unsentimental looks at parenthood I've ever read, and that's coming from a lifelong Erma Bombeck fan. (Nothin' like reading about parenthood to remind me of why I never want to do it.)

Anyway, when I discovered that the website which I had shrieked with laughter over was now a book, I had to get it and I don't regret it. All my favorite bits are there, like: I prepared for this experience like any good geek would. I read books. You can't deal with an engineering problem without fully understanding the specifications and boundary conditions of the objects involved. You know. Mass. Coefficient of friction. Tensile strength. That sort of thing.

Then I picked up a copy of the best-selling What To Expect The First Year, and I found out that pretty much every child's default state is "Broken." A few of the more memorable examples:

Chapter Four - Acne? Normal. "Explosive Bowel Movements"? Normal.

Chapter Five - Hernia? Nothing to worry about.

Chapter Thirteen - Child smashing his head against the walls of the crib? Perfectly reasonable. Child occasionally holding his breath until he passes out? 1 in 5 kids do this.

Fuck.

Kids are messed up. I kept expecting to turn the page and read

"Child On Fire -

Occasionally, you will look in the crib and see that your baby is on fire. This happens to most children at one time or another, and is perfectly normal. If the fire does not go out on its own within two or three hours, consider calling a doctor."

I expect to have this conversation on the phone with Cordelia's pediatrician:

"Hello, doctor."
"Hello. What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, my daughter is... well..."
"Yes?"
"She is covered with ants."
"Oh? That's nothing to worry about. That happens to one in three children before age two."
"Really?"
"Oh, yes. The ant is the natural enemy of the baby."
"So I shouldn't worry about it?"
"Well, call me again if they're still there next week. Or if they start to lay eggs."
"OK, thank you doctor."

There are still a few things up on the site - most notably, the warped instructions on how to set up a bassinette, which was a favorite, along with the picture of the baby in a roasting pan with a sprig of rosemary. Alas, there are no photographs in the book.

If you want a good read (it's nicely divided into bathroom-sized chunks, which is appropriate, really) or if you want the perfect gag gift for parents to be, hustle to Amazon and get a copy or two.