neadods: (facepalm)
[personal profile] neadods
Dear author:

The fact that you couldn't get the chapters on your intricate politico-scientific-historical-conspiracy thriller to be longer than a page or two should have been your first clue that your plot was only half-baked.

Or maybe a quarter baked. Because the idea of hiding messages in DNA? Moderately interesting, in a *giggle*snort* way. But hiding messages about cycles that, by the time humanity (re)discovers DNA sequencing, will have repeated about four or five times? Um, hello? The reaction to The Great Big Fancy Coded Message shouldn't be "Le duh! We have been paying attention to recorded history, you know."

Signed,
Oh, please, is there anyone on this Earth who DOESN'T know that by now?




Dear Every Author Who Writes Conspiracy Thrillers, Ever:

Please to be knocking off the plots that hinge on the following premise: There is abstruse knowledge in the world. There is a hidden cabal that kills anyone getting close to the hidden knowledge. Therefore, the catalyst tells the protagonist "I have seven seconds left to live, so I'm going to pass on my abstruse knowledge in a crossword/sudoku/rebus/cross-stitch pattern/linguistic puzzle for you to figure out over the next 300 pages."

Because honestly? If you want to spike the wheels of hidden homicidal cabals, post the damn thing in plain English on your MySpace and watch them disappear in a puff of "Oh, god, I can't kill the whole Internet!" Or possibly laughter that they've been so crazy to believe whatever it was in the first place.

Special "Oh, PLEASE" award to plots based on the SuperSekrit Killer Klutzes deliberately posting codes and secrets just to prove they're unbreakable and then wetting their pants when somebody breaks it. (Yes, Bruce Willis movie who's name I've forgotten, I'm looking at you.) SuperSekrit things are not secret anymore when they've been in a major newspaper. Period. Even if you add the magic words "neener, neener, betcha can't figure this out."

Date: 2007-10-17 03:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] harmonyfb.livejournal.com
Please to be knocking off the plots that hinge on the following premise: There is abstruse knowledge in the world. There is a hidden cabal that kills anyone getting close to the hidden knowledge.

IA! Shub-Niggurath! Cthulhu ftagn! IA!

I'm sorry. You were saying?

(Dude, I so need a Lovecraftian icon.)

Date: 2007-10-17 03:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neadods.livejournal.com
*snicker*

However, I think there can be a loophole for "knowledge that will kill you just by learning it."

Date: 2007-10-17 03:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] harmonyfb.livejournal.com
Hee! Is it for snagging? ::she says, hopefully::

Date: 2007-10-18 02:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] starcat-jewel.livejournal.com
I snagged it from someone else, have no idea whether they created it or not. As far as I'm concerned, go for it!

Date: 2007-10-17 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] not-hathor.livejournal.com
eeeehhhhh,

Elder Gods, Schmelder gods, what's the big deal? Is just bastardized Enochian....

Date: 2007-10-17 04:42 pm (UTC)
ext_939: Sheep wearing an eyepatch (swanboat_icons Explain A Dragon)
From: [identity profile] spiralsheep.livejournal.com
::snerk-of-recognition::

Y'know, even real life conspiracy theorists get these wrong, heh.

Date: 2007-10-17 04:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neadods.livejournal.com
As time goes by, I have less and less tolerance of what [livejournal.com profile] jennetj calls "stupid plots," where they only work if someone is being profoundly stupid and/or refusing to deal with an issue that could be cleared up with three minute's honest conversation.

I loathe that there's an entire genre based on stupid-plots-with-conspiracies. I don't mind being silly-stupid (Big Finish's The Kingmaker, National Treasure, Indiana Jones anything.) But I won't forgive idiocy in a plot that's supposed to be all about figuring things out.

Date: 2007-10-17 05:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neadods.livejournal.com
PS - It just *depresses* me to know that there's a genre that basically boils down to ancient international conspiracies being worse at operations security than Torchwood.

Date: 2007-10-17 05:43 pm (UTC)

Date: 2007-10-17 05:17 pm (UTC)
ext_5608: (laugh)
From: [identity profile] wiliqueen.livejournal.com
Never has the blatantly obvious been couched in such brilliantly splorfle-inducing terms. Or at least not that I've seen this week. :-D

Date: 2007-10-17 05:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] --kali--.livejournal.com
My guilty pleasure that that I love reading (to mock, mind) books as described in your second letter. I'm sorry, it's my fault they keep getting made.

Date: 2007-10-17 06:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neadods.livejournal.com
I think it's Hollywood's fault, actually, as I have described most of the summer blockbusters that don't involve robots.

Date: 2007-10-17 07:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shawan-7.livejournal.com
Well, it's a change from the usual cozies and chick lit you've been reviewing.

Date: 2007-10-17 07:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] neadods.livejournal.com
Except that I couldn't bear to finish it, so I won't be reviewing it.

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